Japan Is Doomed

“Hello Kitty is no sexist” according to The Japan Times, who reported recently that Japan’s much loved character Hello Kitty, who for years has adorned everything every girl could ever want, will now be launching a range aimed at men.

“We think Hello Kitty is accepted by young men as a design statement in fashion”

~Tohmatsu Kazuo

I’m not sure it’s accepted but whatever - if Tohmatsu says Kitty is going male, then she will. He proudly proclaimed that the current youth of Japan grew up with Hello Kitty and “feel no embarrassment” over wearing clothing that the pink cuteness adorns.

Before we go any further, I feel we should look at this highly scientific diagram I have drawn which serves to highlight some of the character’s most important attributes. Bear in mind this image is totally fair.

That’s right. Hello Kitty is pretty much all pink. Now whilst I have no problem with men wearing pink, apparently it’s the new blue which is the new green which in turn is the new pink, this evidence does lead me to doubt that Japanese school boys would “feel no embarrassment” over sticking what looks like an inflated strawberry marshmallow on their schoolbag.

Luckily however, the Hello Kitty team have thought of this and gone for a dark look for what they are calling “Hello Kitty Men’s Range” and what I am calling “ManKitty” as it’s a funny name.

Pretty rock and roll. I especially like the way they’ve carved her face off, written Hello Kitty in it’s place, then flung it onto a passing cloud/breath of air/head fart. That’s pretty edgy. But is it edgy enough? The answer is no. Here is how it would be acceptable;

1. Hello Kitty should always appear with her new friends Raku The Enraged Rhino, Johnny The 12″ Katana and everyone’s favourite Frequently Explod-y Man.

2. Hello Kitty should always appear in an interesting situation, such as being the only living creature strong enough to stop evil Russian bad guys left over from Bond films, or extreme snowboarding down a cliff whilst playing an amazing guitar solo.

3. Hello Kitty should only appear on items suitable for the modern man. Guitar straps, battleaxes and incredibly fast cars, for example.

4. Hello Kitty should always appear with a snappy one-liner to remind everyone how awesome she is, for example “Hello! I’m Hello Kitty! I’m going to snap your neck off!” … I’d buy a t-shirt with that on.

5. Hello Kitty should be able to fly, punch through walls and create beer out of nothing.

These are the five steps to Kitty success in a man’s world. You’ve heard the instructions, Tohmatsu, now go make our dreams a reality.

One of my favourite websites, What Japan Thinks, came up with their top 30 ways to find Otaku in the wild. Otaku, for those lucky enough not to know what they are, are people who are so utterly obsessed with anime and video games that they retract from normal social interaction. At least, that’s the Japanese definition of them. Western Otaku are just people who are almost too interested in anime and so forth. There are some nice ones out there, but there are also plenty that justify the ‘dork’ stereotype.

The top 5 ways to spot a male Otaku, then, are;

1. Anime print T-Shirt
This is the big one. If you have one of these, look at it carefully. Is it covered in the remains of meals you ate a long time ago? Is it so worn that it has faded from black to a light grey? Is it XXXXXXL? Any of these signs point to Otakudom. Although just owning it is probably bad enough.

2. Anime print paper bag
I’m not totally sure what this means. The voters in these polls are all Japanese but I’m guessing it’s something to do with a bag into which you put many of your ten billion manga magazines. I don’t know and frankly I’m glad I don’t.

3. Bum bag/Fanny pack
Not just Japan related at all. If you have one of these and wear it anywhere except on a mountain you deserve anything you get. Including being run over.

4. Wearing a bandana around the head
A Hachimaki (鉢巻) is a bandana, usually red or white, which was traditionally worn to show the wearer is working hard. Now however it is worn to show the wearer is a huge nerd.

5. Bag plastered with anime-related patches & stickers
If you have time to cover your bag in Naruto patches, you probably have time to get showered, shaved and head to a few job interviews.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Mike, it’s not fair that men alone should suffer this assault. What of lady Otaku?” Well, female otaku (apparently called Otakette according to WJT) also have thirty telltale signs to suggest they have nothing better to do than read tattered copies of Sailor Moon and dream of real human interaction. Quite a few of the things in the list featured in the men’s one (T-shirts, bags ect.) so here are a few of my favourites;

3. Gothic-Lolita Fashion
Oh dear. This one will cause a lot of arguements. Whilst this unique Harajuku does have roots in nerdom, I would argue that nowadays it’s quite apart from geeks. If you agree please don’t hate me, I didn’t make this list. Go tell the 1,101 people who took the survey that spending £900 on a skirt was totally justified. Or something.

5. Big Thick Glasses
Harry Potter likes anime!

8. Pink Or Green Hair
I am absoloutly, 100% agreed on this one. Why girls dye their hair these colours I’ll never know. The pink hair makes them look like they’ve recently been injected with serious amounts of nitrogen whilst the green one makes me want to shove them back into the soil and let them grow for another three years.

15. Lots Of Straps On Mobile Phone
One or two is mandatory in Japan. When I had my mobile phone I didn’t put any straps on it at all and people thought that was weird. So I bought one or two and put them on, and it was normal. Then one of my students brought out her phone and it had at least twenty on it. The thing weighed about three stone. Insanity.

22. “I *heart shape* something” T-Shirt
That said, I’m considering buying an “I *heart shape* destroying “I *heartshape* things” t-shirt” t-shirt, thus logically destroying myself, and ending the universe.

So there you are. Whilst this list features the more extreme fashions of the dork, there’s something for everyone here. Do not buy anime t-shirts is the golden rule that echoes throughout the ages. There’s nothing wrong with liking anime or liking the culture that surrounds it, but the day you wake up and think you really saw Pikachu walking down your street is the day you need to seriously consider becoming an alcoholic. It’s safer.