Japan Is Doomed

One of my favourite websites, What Japan Thinks, came up with their top 30 ways to find Otaku in the wild. Otaku, for those lucky enough not to know what they are, are people who are so utterly obsessed with anime and video games that they retract from normal social interaction. At least, that’s the Japanese definition of them. Western Otaku are just people who are almost too interested in anime and so forth. There are some nice ones out there, but there are also plenty that justify the ‘dork’ stereotype.

The top 5 ways to spot a male Otaku, then, are;

1. Anime print T-Shirt
This is the big one. If you have one of these, look at it carefully. Is it covered in the remains of meals you ate a long time ago? Is it so worn that it has faded from black to a light grey? Is it XXXXXXL? Any of these signs point to Otakudom. Although just owning it is probably bad enough.

2. Anime print paper bag
I’m not totally sure what this means. The voters in these polls are all Japanese but I’m guessing it’s something to do with a bag into which you put many of your ten billion manga magazines. I don’t know and frankly I’m glad I don’t.

3. Bum bag/Fanny pack
Not just Japan related at all. If you have one of these and wear it anywhere except on a mountain you deserve anything you get. Including being run over.

4. Wearing a bandana around the head
A Hachimaki (鉢巻) is a bandana, usually red or white, which was traditionally worn to show the wearer is working hard. Now however it is worn to show the wearer is a huge nerd.

5. Bag plastered with anime-related patches & stickers
If you have time to cover your bag in Naruto patches, you probably have time to get showered, shaved and head to a few job interviews.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Mike, it’s not fair that men alone should suffer this assault. What of lady Otaku?” Well, female otaku (apparently called Otakette according to WJT) also have thirty telltale signs to suggest they have nothing better to do than read tattered copies of Sailor Moon and dream of real human interaction. Quite a few of the things in the list featured in the men’s one (T-shirts, bags ect.) so here are a few of my favourites;

3. Gothic-Lolita Fashion
Oh dear. This one will cause a lot of arguements. Whilst this unique Harajuku does have roots in nerdom, I would argue that nowadays it’s quite apart from geeks. If you agree please don’t hate me, I didn’t make this list. Go tell the 1,101 people who took the survey that spending £900 on a skirt was totally justified. Or something.

5. Big Thick Glasses
Harry Potter likes anime!

8. Pink Or Green Hair
I am absoloutly, 100% agreed on this one. Why girls dye their hair these colours I’ll never know. The pink hair makes them look like they’ve recently been injected with serious amounts of nitrogen whilst the green one makes me want to shove them back into the soil and let them grow for another three years.

15. Lots Of Straps On Mobile Phone
One or two is mandatory in Japan. When I had my mobile phone I didn’t put any straps on it at all and people thought that was weird. So I bought one or two and put them on, and it was normal. Then one of my students brought out her phone and it had at least twenty on it. The thing weighed about three stone. Insanity.

22. “I *heart shape* something” T-Shirt
That said, I’m considering buying an “I *heart shape* destroying “I *heartshape* things” t-shirt” t-shirt, thus logically destroying myself, and ending the universe.

So there you are. Whilst this list features the more extreme fashions of the dork, there’s something for everyone here. Do not buy anime t-shirts is the golden rule that echoes throughout the ages. There’s nothing wrong with liking anime or liking the culture that surrounds it, but the day you wake up and think you really saw Pikachu walking down your street is the day you need to seriously consider becoming an alcoholic. It’s safer.

This is the 100th update on Japan Is Doomed. Here’s to 100 more!

Last year, there were NOVA adverts absolutely everywhere. Alongside Berlitz, they were pretty much the largest private English school in the country. I knew quite a few people from America, Australia and other various countries who were living and working and were perfectly happy in Japan. At it’s peak, Nova ran 900 language schools - I knew an awful lot of Japanese people who took the classes there. Whilst NOVA wasn’t held in the highest regard, it was a decent school. Then things started going downhill. In June, NOVA’s long-term contract method was called into criticism and a six month ban was levied against the company. This dealt a blow to the company it could never really recover from. In August this year the company was rumored to be, and later proven to be, paying it’s staff late and missing payments to investors and banks. Things started to slide and the inevitable happened, the business folded.

Why am I telling you this? Well to be honest I don’t really care about Nova. What I do care about is are the hundreds of foreign teachers who have absolutely no income, no way to get home and no support. Stories of teachers being fed by their students are reaching the press, and of course the government has been as awesome as it always is - by doing absolutely nothing.

“I have a couple of thousand yen (£10/$20) left in the bank. I am expecting an eviction notice any day,” Kristen Moon, a teacher from the United States, told a news conference in Tokyo, at which she appeared dressed as a pink rabbit character that Nova used in advertising.

Australian Natasha Steele was on the verge of tears as she said her students were feeding her.

Union officials said there were plans to barter language lessons for food for the teachers.

It’s happening all over the country. I particularly love the last line of the clipping; rather than sort them out with new employment or aid them in financially supporting themselves, the Union has instead decided the best way to deal with the problem is to have them teach for bread.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. The Nova Teacher’s Union is starting to support teachers who have no money after Nova failed to pay them. Frankly I’m let down that it’s a relatively small union who the teachers have to rely on rather than the country, but it’s better than nothing. Just. The quicker Japan realises that foreign teachers are a valuable benefit rather than liabilities the better.