Now obviously, I don’t know the stresses of running a homeroom class. Not only teaching those kids, but dealing with things like bullying, applying to university, their parents and so on. That must be quite a tiring job if you’re looking after 40 of the little monsters. But even if they got really out of hand, you probably wouldn’t end up doing something like this;

A schoolboy and his parents have filed a lawsuit seeking 10 million yen in damages for emotional distress after a teacher announced him as the most disliked person in his class, based on a survey, it was learned Saturday.

The boy attends a junior high school in Chiba. In April 2005, when he was in his fourth year of elementary school, the teacher in charge of his class at the time made the students list up the names of classmates they liked and disliked.

Now stop me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that’s very effective teaching. Generally most teachers run surveys like “What do you like about the cafeteria?” or something, but “Which kid should we all dislike?” probably won’t promote classroom harmony. According to the article the kid went on to get bullied and ended up changing school. I hope he gets the money, and I hope the teacher loses their job. Maybe I’ll start my own questionnaire and send it to that homeroom class. “Who thought that was a dumb idea?” Perhaps.

I looked all over the net but sadly I couldn’t seem to come across a copy of the questionnaire itself, which is a shame. So instead here’s my interpretation of how it may have read.

Dear Students;

Hello there! It’s your teacher Dr. Bizarro here. As I’m sure you’re aware, surveys are very important here in school. I’d like to thank you all for your responses to ‘Should we put laxatives in 1 in every 20 school meals?’ and ‘Who likes low hanging unprotected electric wires?’.

So many great changes have happened because of our surveys; as you know the second floor cafeteria now has hundreds of bees’ nests in it, and everyone over on the 5th floor tell me they really like how we covered the walls in extra strong adhesive glue! So to further improve your school life, we’re running a new survey. Please fill it in and hand it to me by 3pm!

Your Name:
Your Class:

1. Who, in your homeroom class, do you dislike the most? _______________

2. If the student voted least popular in question number one left the school and tried to sue us, do you think they would win the lawsuit? [YES / NO]

3. We’re thinking of welcoming new students into the school by savagely beating them on their first day. Do you think this would help them fit into their new school? [YES / NO]

4. Who likes searing heat on a daily basis? I know I do! Please select if you would like us to channel hot lava around the basement floor of the school. [YES / NO]

5. Our school uniform is very well liked by students and we seek to make it better. You know what would be better? Clogs. Do you want clogs? [YES / NO]

6. The school anthem is a little dull, isn’t it? So instead of singing songs, how would you like to have to rip out chunks of your hair whilst screaming at your parents? [YES / NO]

7. The cafeteria food is being changed from next month. Please select the type of food you would most like eating. [SEWAGE / SPIDERS / THE OLD SCHOOL UNIFORMS, BOILED]

Thanks for filling in the questionnaire! I’ll be sure to tally up the results as soon as possible, and let you know by writing the results on a student’s forehead! Don’t forget to bully them!

Thanks,

Dr. Bizarro

Those poor kids.

New TV “talent” $9,000
Surprisingly low, really. I suppose by talent they might mean people who appear on game show programs and have to try eating horse ears or something.

Stuntman $20,000
Again, another surprise. This is possibly the most dangerous job on the list and yet it’s not very well paid. To be honest, I think I’d rather do the next job on the list for double the pay…

Ice cream salesperson $40,000
It’s not enough! Ice Cream is on of the most important products in the world! It’s part of a balanced healthy diet! (Carbohydrate, Protein, Sugars, Starch and Choc Chip).

Portrait artist $50,000
Probably not the ones who sit along beach piers and boast of their hilarious ability to make you look weird.

Creator of food samples $70,000
What an awesome job. It’s not clear, but I assume it’s the people who produce the plastic food that sit outside restaurants and so forth. I think they deserve the money, those little plastic bowls of Ramen look delicious

Takoyaki shop owner $100,000
They deserve triple what they make simply because Takoyaki is the best food ever. Much better than Ramen. Wait, hang on…

Ramen store owner $300,000
Boo! Although if you can get Takoyaki at the store then that changes everything. Someone should invent TakoRamen. Maybe I should.

Manga creator $500,000
Good grief, I was expecting them to make a 10th of this. I assume this guy probably makes the Pokemon manga or something, because if everyone who draws those things make this much I’m going to drop out now and start writing Japan Is Doomed: Cute Animals And Fighting Ninjas 5000.

So then, if you make Manga you will earn twenty five times as much as a stuntman. That’s just not right, and for that reason, where is “Junten Volunteer”? Probably not in the top 40,000. Oh well, one day…

I am going to be writing an essay about the role of foreigners in this film. If you’re reading this and you are a student at Sheffield doing the same essay, don’t you even think of stealing these ideas! I’ll know!

The film was made in 1996 and was directed by Shunji Iwai, who also made All About Lily Chou-Chou and Love Letter (US: When I Close My Eyes) amongst other classics. He’s a pretty famous director in Japan, and his films usually do very well in Japan, both with critics and financially. Swallowtail Butterfly grossed 2 billion yen, which is a pretty significant amount.

The film starts off with a short narrative which I think sums the whole film up quite nicely, so I’ve posted it here;

“Once upon a time, when the yen was the most powerful force in the world, the city overflowed with immigrants, like a gold rush boom town. They came in search of yen, snatching up yen. And the immigrants called the city Yentown. But the Japanese hated that name. So they referred to those yen thieves as Yentowns. It’s a bit puzzling, but “Yentown” meant both the city and the outcasts. If they worked hard, earned a pocketful of yen, and returned home, they were rich men. It sounds like a fairy tale, but it was a paradise of yen, “Yentown”. And this is the story of Yentowns in Yentown.”

It should be noted this isn’t true but it does allow Iwai to create this amazing “Yentown” sub-culture, made up of immigrants who have come to Japan. This gives Iwai free reign to shape his creation in any way he wants, whilst still making clear and relevant links to the real state of Japan. He’s pretty ruthless, too. The majority of the Japanese in the film are either clumsy and dim-witted, or incredibly ruthless and effective businessmen who can’t wait to shank you for a quick Yen.

The film’s heroine, Ageha, is an orphaned girl of Chinese descent, who’s upbringing leaves her speaking only Japanese and English. She becomes part of a ragtag bunch of outcasts, all working together to make a living. Glico, another part of the team, becomes a famous singer and as a result has to “become as Japanese as you (her bosses) want!” Everyone here has no official identity - they are outcasts pushed aside by society, yet their deeply developed characters make them a lot more realistic and like-able than their Japanese counterparts.

This film is quite slow paced, but not boring, I promise. There’s plenty of action and some pretty brutal violence, some of which is intentionally over the top to give certain characters a more surprising or unrealistic edge, all the whilst being framed in the gritty realistic Yentown setting.

This film, then, is awesome. It really is. There’s not really a weak character to let the team down, the directing is excellent and the plot, with it’s underlying themes of homogeneity and the need to diversify, are well developed. If I had to make one small gripe, it would be that this film was created entirely on hand cams, and as a result the image quality is sometimes irritatingly poor. But I think in a way that adds to the ‘dirty’ Yentown image. You certantly find yourself siding with the underdogs, and whilst this isn’t a family film it does carry a heartwarming message.

Go see this film, and stick with it. It starts off pretty good, and believe me, it just gets better and better.

There are three mandatory modules I take next year. Two of them are core language modules, Japanese Language III (Autumn) and Japanese Language IV (Spring). The other one is similar to last semester’s Understanding Japan module. It’s called Contempary Japanese Society (Spring) and apparently prepares us for our year abroad. Exciting stuff.

What I’m more excited about are the optional modules I’ve chosen. The first, Postwar Japanese Politics, I chose partially because I enjoy writing about politics on this blog, and mainly because although I’ve never had an interest in politics, I think it might be beneficial to have one for the future. Plus, this way I can write even more stupid updates about building underwater trains or whatever.

The second is Japan’s Minorities, an interesting course considering until not long ago the Japanese government issued statements that there are no minorities in Japan. We do in-depth study on Koreans, Ainu and Burakumin amongst others. I really can’t express how excited I am about this module! Who knows, I may even be able to find a little humour somewhere and do an update someday.

I’ve saved the most interesting module for last - Understanding Japan Through Contemporary Texts. The idea is by translating novels, newspapers, journals and blogs, we can learn more about contemporary opinions and so forth. Rumour has it I may even have to swallow my pride and get my nerd hat on, as we will be translating a manga, too.

So there you go. A short and pretty boring update about my course. Why did I post this? Well, if anyone has any interest in how UK university works, or Japanese courses, or if anyone is thinking of coming to Sheffield, they can read this and all their deepest, darkest desires will be fulfilled

If on the other hand you found this boring, normal service resumes soon. See you then.

An annual “crying sumo” contest for babies, in which pairs of infants are brought together to see who can cry the first or the loudest, was held at Tokyo’s Sensoji Temple on Sunday.

Sensoji. I’ve been there. I can’t remember if there were any crying children there or not, but I would assume if there was, the parents would have been frantically trying to stop their child from disturbing other visitors, right? Well, apparently one day a year the parents do the very opposite.

As you can see, these kids thought this crying thing was nonsense and were having none of it. I have to admit, I’d probably take a similar approach. Apparently, however, if the kids don’t start crying the people running the show don scary masks to make them cry. To be honest, I think just explaining to them exactly why they were being held up in the air would be enough to set most kids off. “You messed up my daily routine of crying and running around for this!?”

So whilst some kids didn’t cry, others took the “quicker I cry, quicker it’s over” approach, and appropriatly turned on the waterworks;

I feel the best way to stop this madness would be for the kids to all go on strike, but I do not mean any disrespect to the kid on the right in that photo. The poor thing is not letting the team down at all, because the man who is looking at hime there is the scariest man in the entire world.

Prepare yourself.

Aah! I think I’m going to start crying! Look at him! He clearly feeds on the tears of children! I like his hat though. Still, I don’t feel I’d be comfortable allowing the Elf of bad dreams here wander around listening to the screams of my baby child. That’s just me, though.

Of course, it’s all in good fun and I’m sure nobody takes it too seriously. Their website suggests the crying competition is just part of a big festival, and serves only as a bit of light entertainment. But come on guys, can’t we have something more normal like running races or Super 100m Beetle Back Janken Sumo Pen Spinning? I know which I’d rather see.

Thanks to CNN/Getty Images for the photos.

Pre-Soran

As we are a very drunken important and lazy professional dance team, we never do silly things like pose for group photographs or take silly photographs. Honestly. Did you really come to this site expecting to see that sort of thing?!

Only kidding! I guess this is our promotional photo, although a few members sadly couldn’t make it to this performance, so it’s not a perfect lineup. But it’s close! Here’s the lineup as we are standing in that shot;

Goto, Mo, Naomi, Simon
Taka, Amelia, Mike, Maria, Me

Following this very important photo, nonsense prevailed;

As you can see, Simon was not impressed by our antics, choosing instead to the professional “no-nonsense glance at camera” pose.

Alright kids, enough stalling, start dancing!

Soran Action Photos!

We did the dance twice and both times I think we did a great job. Unlike our earlier performance at the Culture show, we could hear the music from the start and everyone was a lot more confident. Sadly when we stamped on the ground this time there was no sound, but on the flipside people could stand all around us and it was quite exciting for everyone to be visible at all times. No more hiding on the back row getting the moves wrong for me!

As I said before there are many more photos available on Flickr here. Oh well, guess there’s nothing else to say…

HOLD IT!

Super Bonus Video Time!

Thanks to AJ for filming this one!

That really is it for this update! Stay tuned - I’ve got over the lull of posts and have a few more planned for the nearby future, and if that doesn’t work I’ve warmed up the excuse generator! See you then!

Let the video load before playing it. Hosted courtesy of Facebook. Bonus points for spotting me.

Dancer Lineup;

Naomi, Kuni, Mo, Kishin, Simon, Masa, Mike, James, Maria, Amelia, Taka & Me

Best dance team ever.

Photographs will be here in a few days (courtesy of Joseph Tame)

Interesting. Blood type A is apparently the most common in Japan, with 40% of the populace having it, as do I. According to this table, I’m earnest, creative and sensible, but I’m also overly earnest. So whilst it’s a good thing to be earnest, make sure you’re not earnest! Oh no! Anyway, I have to admit I find these traits a little dull, aside from Type O who are apparently manically evil. (Vain, careless, ruthless AND cruel?!) So I’ve rewritten the blood types with a more interesting spin. Consult the chart and find out what the future holds in store for you!

Type A

Best Traits: Dedicated, survives zombie attacks well, excellent balance whilst standing on one foot, rarely chooses bad food at restaurants.
Worst Traits: Flammable, terrible for the environment, often forgets to update blog for weeks, terrible at ice-skating, hands wave around uncontrollably just before and on Halloween.

Type B

Best Traits: Excellent at bass guitar, always remembers where they left their keys, can hide nuts in cheeks over winter to preserve food.
Worst Traits: Easily confused by bright coloured lights, will stab friends in the back if the chance of obtaining syrup is present, known to cause fireworks to go off whilst in their packaging.

Type AB

Best Traits: Can survive solely on pineapple for just over three months, immediately knows all dance moves to Grease upon birth.
Worst Traits: Won’t stop listening to Grease, body shrinks to just under 3% of it’s normal size whilst on trains, often born with eleven feet.

Type O

Best Traits: Can help Type AB people grow back whilst on trains, can juggle for hours.
Worst Traits: Has no comprehension of how loudly they are talking in a cinema, doesn’t close the fridge properly after use.

See? Much more interesting! But I want to take the idea further. So,

You would watch that and you know it. Every week they’d get into a mess of some description and every week we would learn something. Except Type O, he’s too mean to get into trouble.

As closure I’d like to say that I am not trying to get at Type O people here, in fact quite the opposite. By making a mockery of these terrible blood beliefs, I hope that one day people of all types of blood can come and play hopscotch or chase cats or whatever people these days do, in perfect harmony. That is my dream. Well, that and to write silly updates about news reports on this blog. I think I’ll stick to that.

Problems: Squeaky voice. Ouch. Plus this song will be in your mind until you die. Which will be quite soon afterwards.

2. Ayumi Hamasaki - Mirrorcle World
I’m taking not one but two big risks by choosing this song. Firstly my spellchecker saw the title, collapsed and sadly passed away. Secondly, I know Ayumi Hamasaki is the most popular jPop artist in the world right now, which probably means I’m lining myself up for insane fan ranting. Leave them in the comments guys!

Problems: Why is there a computer modem sound effect in this song? Also why did they trick us with classy shots of Paris and a nice Jazz buildup, just to hit us with bizarro MIDI keyboards?

3. Ruby Gloom - Siren
Apparently this is the new single of Nana Kitade, who decided this song was worth an alter-ego, and thus released it under the name Ruby Gloom. The video wins major points as it involves a zombie skeleton playing guitar, but immediately loses those points (and hundreds more) for copious amounts of super squeaky voice. That voice could break up riots.

Problems: My…ears…still…bleeding…

4. An Cafe - Escapism
How do you establish a unique look in today’s competative jPop world? Why, you take Visual Kei fashion, and then put on girl’s wigs. Awesome.

Problems: Frankly, if men want to dress like women they should be allowed to. Fair play to them. The problem is this song is nearly five minutes long. That’s five minutes we’re not getting back.

5. Rebecca - Vanity Angel

If Madonna was Japanese.

Problems: This song explains why the 80s ended.

So there you go. Well done for making it to the end of the article without collapsing. It was touch and go for me. I’m sure I’ve missed out some classic terrible songs, and I would appreciate if you posted them in the comments, and who knows, I may compile another list in the future. Or not. Depends if I decide to have my ears removed.

Reminder: I’m not trying to offend anyone with this. Music taste is relative.

April 9th Update: If any of the videos are broken please post in the comments.

Thirty-two runners were stung by honey bees while taking part in a marathon event in Saga on Sunday, local fire department officials said. The runners were treated at a hospital, but their injuries are not serious, the officials said.

Well that’s just plain unlucky, to be honest. I’m terrified of bees, but to be honest would you keep running if you saw this ahead of you;

Now as everyone knows, being covered in bees is the third most scary animal to be covered in, after spiders and jellyfish in that order. So in a way, you can look at this news and go “Oh well, at least they weren’t jellyfish”. I hope that’s what the doctors told the injured runners. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. We had a bunch of runners yesterday who were attacked by a team of jellyfish.”

Anyway, on with the news story;

The 32 runners participating in the half-marathon race were attacked by a swarm of honey bees at around 10:50 a.m. Sunday when they were around the 11-kilometer point near an apiary, according to event organizers. Many of those who were stung dropped out of the race, but the overall event, featuring races of varying distances, continued as a makeshift route diverted trailing runners from the area where the bees appeared, the organizers said.

What I love about this story is that the event wasn’t cancelled. The organisers just created a new route and everyone went around the swarm. Brilliant. In England the race would have been cancelled, the organisers sued, and the bees deported from the country, or jailed.

So why, Mike, are you posting this story? It’s not very interesting I know, but it allows me to post the very first ever Youtube video on Japan Is Doomed! Woohoo! I really wanted to post one a while ago, and I have a great update lined up with a handful of videos. But I think to kick it off we need a really great performer. So who better than the legend Eddie Izzard?! I know the link is incredibly tenuous, but here he is discussing being covered in bees, just like our poor runners;

So, to conclude, a quick run through of facts;

1. People get stung alot but people keep running anyway. Humanity 1, Animals 0.
2. Jellyfish much more dangerous than bees.
3. Eddie Izzard very entertaining.
4. Mike teases with promise of funny update. Makes a change. (Hohoho).

So was this really just a thinly veiled Youtube test? Yes Of course not.