Yesterday, an online paper called World Hum published an article called ‘How To Stay At A Love Hotel in Japan‘ in which they looked at the unique service’s popularity phenomenon and offered valuable tips on how to use the facility properly. (I’m aware of how creepy ‘use the facility’ sounds but it’s hard to word this!) Today I’m going to evaluate the article and perhaps offer a few tips for those still unsure. I mean, how can that possibly be creepy?

When I was reading the article, I first thought it might be good for a few chuckles – maybe the author had written about their misadventures or something. The prose was funny and well written – looks like we’re onto a winner here! Unfortunately, less than two paragraphs in we already have some seriously doubtful material;

In a country famous for schoolgirl-inspired porn and “chikan” subway gropers, the existence of love hotels might seem as natural as prayers to the local shrine.

Good to know that’s what Japan is remembered for, rather than continued technical innovation, highly successful business practices, a rich and unique culture or most importantly inventing Mothra. But that’s not important right now! What matters is what tips and advice the article has given. So let’s put aside this bizarre introduction, lean back, reassuringly pat your ‘MOTHRA RULES!’ tattoo (which I assume you have) and let’s get started.

1. Choosing A Love Hotel Experience

Whether you’re looking for love straight out of a Jane Austen novel or a glittering Studio 54-esque romp, Japan’s got a theme to fulfill your erotic dreams—and others that are the stuff of nightmares. While many love hotels retain a faux-European romanticism that was big in the ’80s, the zany creativity of others is enough to put Motel 6 and Super 8 to shame. If recycled “Sense and Sensibility” props aren’t your thing, pop down to Osaka’s Hotel Loire for 3-for-1 theme room #306—a doctor’s office, a subway car for would-be gropers and a black-lit underwater aquarium are all here. If that room is taken, you can always console yourself in the alien abduction room.

That’s right! You’re going to have a huge selection of… er… ‘themes’ to go with! But there are a few pitfalls to beware. Whilst the themes mentioned here seem limitless in their ‘uniqueness’, the chances of your particular dream romance room existing may be somewhat low. Please consult the following table to check if even asking for your ideal fantasy is worth it;

Quite simple, I think. So asking for a ‘fun and simple’ room is a great idea, whilst asking for a public space full of meat grinders will get you nothing more than some furious butchers.

2. Choosing A Love Hotel

Love hotels are not shy about their trade, and with fleets of large billboards screaming out names like “Happy Mickey Cookie,” they are easy to spot. These hotels are found in every Japanese city, but brash, gaudy Osaka is the undisputed king of love hotels. The best districts in Osaka are Namba (not so coincidentally a famous pick-up place) and Ikuteramachi. Tokyo’s love hotels are more sedate, but a good collection is found on the aptly named “Love Hotel Hill” in Shibuya, just beyond the “109” department store and at infamous gaijin “foreigner” hangout Roppongi.

Happy Mickey Cookie may be a great hotel (I assume from it’s excellent name) and it is your duty as a fun lovin’ hipster to find a hotel with a hilarious name. Submit your greatest finds in the comments section of this blog post. Bonus points will be awarded for hotels with any of the following words in their name; ‘Battenburg’, ‘Amphibian’, ‘Waffles’ or any from the blue section of the chart from part one.

3. Getting A Room

For non-Japanese speakers, the lack of a front desk makes love hotels an easy check-in. The system works like—what else?—a vending machine. Open rooms are ordered from a screen in the lobby; simply press the button on the screen of the room that appeals to you most. There are two prices, one for “rest” (休憩) that usually charges by the hour, and another for “stay” (宿泊). You pay using the change machine in your room; press 会計 to see the damage to your wallet. Some older love hotels retain anonymous staff up front—in this case, just fork over the amount of cash listed on the screen before heading to your room.

A few essential tips here – don’t try to order ice-cream from the vending machine. Don’t try to chat up the vending machine – they’re just doing a job. And don’t try to sneak out without paying, otherwise you might wake up trapped inside a Love Hotel vending machine, doomed to forever serve giggling teenagers and adulterers. Not to mention idiots who keep trying to buy ice-cream.

4. In Conclusion

Going to a Love Hotel is an exciting time for all involved for obvious reasons, but there are a few things to bear in mind. Hopefully this article has made those clear without making you feel incredibly uncomfortable or uncertain about the whole thing. Just go with the flow, don’t cause any madness, and whatever you do, don’t high-five other people using the hotel. I don’t think they’ll appreciate it.

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