So the Japan Times are reporting that a new film about the life of the brave dog Hachiko is to be made. A Hollywood blockbuster, no less, and starring Richard Gere! (No really!) But the real question is will Hollywood, famous for totally ignoring (or as they call it ’selectively using’) historical facts, tell a story accurate to the real life of Japan’s favourite little hound, or will they go off the rails? Because I am a big fan of dogs big and small, today I will look at some of the potential plots for the film. Don’t worry after those I will make some sense.
Hachiko: The Historical Documentary
In this heartwarming tale of devotion, Richard Gere plays Hidesaburo Ueno, a professor at Tokyo Imperial Ward. The year is 1924, and Ueno receives a puppy that he names Hachi (adding ko as a sweet suffix) except he then goes on to die. So the dog gets handed around but it keeps coming back to wait for Ueno because it won’t accept he’s dead, like Elvis or Lord Lucan. Eventually, in the saddest scene since that one in Futurama, the dog dies but lives on as a reminder of the ideas of loyalty and not pooping on the carpet, to be passed down through generations.
A number one blockbuster, surely! It’s not overly unlikely, either. The press releases seem to agree that the film ‘will follow the tale of the dog’. (Hilarious tail/tale joke there, good work free media!) However the film going public are a fickle bunch, perhaps we’ll see something like this, instead?
Hachiko: Dog Of Danger
It was just an ordinary day. Super spy inventor Hidesaburo Ueno leant out of his sweet car and flicked away a cigarette. Next to him, laying across the seat, lay his supermodel/spy/professional sunbather girlfriend. Behind them sat Hachiko, the operative dog. The three were speeding towards the center of Shibuya. Suddenly an almighty explosion ripped through the car. Now Ueno’s dead, and Hachiko only has one thing left – revenge.
This summer, in a world where right and wrong mean the same thing and everyone’s out for themselves, can G. I. Hachiko avenge his owner’s death? A Michael Bay film.
Yeah alright so I went with a Michael Bay joke. The only real complication I can see is managing to shoehorn in being made into a statue. I dunno, they could go with a sad ending and have the dog fall into the bad boss’ secret volcano lair, then someone fish him out or something. That also sets up for Hachiko 2, because some mad scientist could engineer the technology to bring him back.
Hearts Filled With Debris: A Hachiko Love Tale
Ueno is a joke. A loser. With just his dog for company, he’s doomed to a single life. No girl will go out with him, even his mother has accepted he’s a total dork. That is until Janice comes into his life. A girl with a fresh outlook and even fresher breath, he’s gotta get her! But he’s just so clumsy! So who’s going to train him to be smooth with the ladies?!
You guessed it, it’s his wacky pal Hachiko! Laugh out loud as they go to buy clothes for the date! (Remember dogs don’t wear clothes! Things are gonna get crazy!) Giggle as Hachiko trains his young apprentice in the ways of love! You’ll roll about laughing! A tale for the whole family! (Except families that own cats).
This would be pretty boring but it would sell. Actually saying that, watching an Akita dog manage a relationship would be hilarious.
I admit I’m not taking this whole Hachiko thing very seriously, but I am quite worried the story will be mangled in translation. I’m not necessarily saying it’s a bad thing, but a dog statue doesn’t need publicity, and it definitely doesn’t need more tourists. Still it’s nice that the story of the little dog is getting internationally recognized. Plus the photos from the film that have been released so far are a cute explosion.
So say what you like, I hate myself for it but I will be giving this film a try. I’ll review it on here so you can get a good laugh out of it if it’s terrible, or we can all bask in the cuteness of Akita dogs if it isn’t. For those really interested, there already was a film made, Hachiko Monogatari, information about which is here.
So yes, very cute film incoming!
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one question………… will there be a sex scene?
Mikey: Any sex scene with Richard Gere is illegal in the UK, sorry :(
With Gere it can’t be set in Japan, can it?
Also, Rule 34 on Hachiko.
Mike: Wow it’s confusing when we’re both using the name Mike. Anyway, I have no idea if it’s set in Japan or not, the trailer I watched had a white family so I’m doubtful.
Ahahahaha!!!! Brilliant!