The trouble all started when a young female intern began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji.

Yes, this is the story of Kenji, the robot who was programmed to love whatever it ’sees’, falling in love too deeply with some poor assistant. Apparently he wasn’t her type, she’s more into humans, so she cruelly had him shut down while she ran off. All he wanted was a hug, and maybe some batteries. :(

Apparently he was coded so that as he spent more time with people (and things), he’d ‘feel’ for them more and more, but I guess they did a classic movie ‘We forgot to set an upper limit!’ mistake and had him fall deeper and deeper in love until he went all Fatal Attraction on some hapless intern. Obviously, he’ll be sent to robot court. The problem with robot court, run by Judge. T. Erminator, is that he’s become so attached to banging his hammer that he’ll just sentence anyone, and poor Kenji will be melted down into tea trays and saucepans in no time.

But what we need to focus on is the positive; what possible use could Japan have for a stalker robot like Kenji? I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting four simple niches a robocreep could fill;

1. Use it to find your keys
Instead of letting your own little KenjiBot fall in love with someone (or something) you care about, why not have it fall in love with your keys, or glasses, or something you always lose? No longer would you wonder where you left your valuables, as there would be a giant calculator trying to flirt with it. Of course if it were your car keys you’d have to drive the robot with you everywhere just to shut him up about the damn things.

2. Use it to protect birds
Robot falls in love with cat. Cat spots birds, moves in for the kill. Silently he crosses the yard, with the stealth of… a cat. Just as he prepares to pounce, there comes a friendly voice of “GIVE ME A HUG!” and thus the birds can escape, the robot gets a hug and everyone is happy. Except the cat. But who cares, dogs are better anyway.

3. Show real stalkers how it feels
Planning to follow your favourite star or someone who doesn’t like you around? How about we send a half ton hunk of metal around to your house, to look through your rubbish and so forth? Yeah, not feeling so hot about stalking now, are you? Good. Ok robot, let’s go. What do you mean you don’t want to go? What do you mean you’ll never love again? You have a reset button!

4. To take over the world
Robots always talk over the world

There we go. Four quick and simple uses for Kenji, the creepiest robot ever invented. Hopefully robots never gain true sentience or I’m going to get in real trouble for this article. If you need me, I’ll be in my underground bunker.

Possibly Related Content:

1. Tired? Stressed? Call on Paro, the Robot Seal
2. Best Paid Jobs In Japan
3. Piggyback Dance Ceremony draws one performer