Before I begin, the new look of Japan Is Doomed is now live, I hope you like it! Also my final exam for Japanese is tomorrow, this is just a short break from the revision. I promise.

Anyway, sometimes I wonder if you guys spot the title of my updates and worry if I’m entirely insane. Sometimes when flicking through the archives I can’t help but notice that a decent % of what I write about is, well, pretty strange. Well, whilst I’m not 100% sure, I’m confident this update may be one of the most offbeat yet.

According to his website, Paro is a ‘Seal Type Mental Commit Robot’. Oh dear, he’s obviously not an English teaching seal. Anyway, according to his creators;

Paro is the most interactive “healing pet” made to date, designed to be used for animal therapy without needing actual animals that require special attention.

That’s right! You don’t have to pay attention to him! Unlike dogs, cats or children, which require feeding at least once a month, Paro never whines for food or attention. He might ask for a little charging now and then, but that’s no big deal! I have to plug my dog in every few days or he gets angry, so what’s the difference?

I should probably point out now that Paro the Seal looks absoloutly terrifying.

I may have made a few adjustments to that image but it’s essentially the same. I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep comfortably with that thing in my house. Just look at it’s eyes!

Anyway, Paro is not just a disgusting creepy horrible murderous cute seal, he’s got loads of different tricks! So I thought I’d provide a list here. Don’t worry, I’ve been totally unfair and made fun of each and every one, so that way if the creators want to sue me they’ve got lots of extra content to use in court!

So here’s a list of Paro’s amazing functions!

Has a diurnal rythym of morning, afternoon, and night
That’s right! He can tell when you’re at work so he can invite all his seal friends around and they can trash your house with a noisy party. He can then work out what time the kids will get home so he can frame them for it.

Five kinds of sensors: tactile, light, audition, temperature, and posture
Bonus sixth sensor: the smell of fresh blood.

Can recognize light and dark
So it’s no good locking him in the cubhoard, he’ll know!

Can feel being stroked and the amount of pressure
Can also apply much, much more pressure to your neck whilst you’re sleeping.

Understands when it is being held
Does not understand when it is being held for murder charges.

Can recognize the direction of sound
In the tundra, seals can hear you scream.

Recognizes its name, greetings, and praise
Does not recognize “Get away from me you murderer!”

Remembers interactions and adapts
So if you flee from it to the basement, he’ll block it up next time.

Imitates the voice of a real baby seal
I didn’t know real seals could say “I’m coming for you”

Expresses feelings though noises, body movements, and facial expressions
Also expresses feelings through copious drinking and picking fights with drunkards.

Wow! Just look at all the amazing things Paro can do! I think what the maker is trying to get across here is that Paro is the latest coming of the Terminator, and we’re all pretty much doomed. I’m guessing Sarah Connor is going to appear as an Albatross or something.

Well, we would all be in trouble, but there is one thing stopping Paro from taking over the entire world, and that’s his price. He currently retails at $6,699, which is £3,380 or ¥693,100. In other words he isn’t going to be able to take over the world anytime soon, because nobody can afford him. Unlucky Paro. Lucky us.

But whilst he may not be able to destroy us, he can still freak us out. I’m going to leave you today with a video of Paro in action. I’m not going to lie, either – it’s creepy. Don’t watch this late at night.

Eek!

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1. Jobs for Kenji the Stalker Robot
2. 3 Things Tokyo Needs To Be #1