Preface: I’m not trying to offend anyone with this. Music taste is relative.
Japanese Pop, or jPop as it’s come to be known, is without a doubt some of the most migraine inducing music in the world. I’m not saying it’s all bad, and it really boils down to exactly how you define jPop, but as I’m not really a huge fan of it I feel that is more than enough reason to make fun of it. Yes, I’m a terrible person. So I’ve trawled the web and found the five worst jPop videos and songs, and collected them here just in case you were feeling too happy today and needed some depressing. Most of the songs are relativity new as they are easier to find on Youtube. Also, thanks to this blog, I found most of these songs there.
1. Ai Otsuka - Sakuranbo
This song is first because I heard it somewhere and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. I hate it. It has the jPop classics - squeaky voices, pink outfits and being infuriatingly catchy;
Problems: Squeaky voice. Ouch. Plus this song will be in your mind until you die. Which will be quite soon afterwards.
2. Ayumi Hamasaki - Mirrorcle World
I’m taking not one but two big risks by choosing this song. Firstly my spellchecker saw the title, collapsed and sadly passed away. Secondly, I know Ayumi Hamasaki is the most popular jPop artist in the world right now, which probably means I’m lining myself up for insane fan ranting. Leave them in the comments guys!
Video available here. It’s not letting me put it on the blog, apologies.
3. Ruby Gloom - Siren
Apparently this is the new single of Nana Kitade, who decided this song was worth an alter-ego, and thus released it under the name Ruby Gloom. The video wins major points as it involves a zombie skeleton playing guitar, but immediately loses those points (and hundreds more) for copious amounts of super squeaky voice. That voice could break up riots.
Problems: My…ears…still…bleeding…
4. An Cafe - Escapism
How do you establish a unique look in today’s competative jPop world? Why, you take Visual Kei fashion, and then put on girl’s wigs. Awesome.
Problems: Frankly, if men want to dress like women they should be allowed to. Fair play to them. The problem is this song is nearly five minutes long. That’s five minutes we’re not getting back.
5. Rebecca - Vanity Angel
If Madonna was Japanese.
Problems: This song explains why the 80s ended.
So there you go. Well done for making it to the end of the article without collapsing. It was touch and go for me. I’m sure I’ve missed out some classic terrible songs, and I would appreciate if you posted them in the comments, and who knows, I may compile another list in the future. Or not. Depends if I decide to have my ears removed.
Reminder: I’m not trying to offend anyone with this. Music taste is relative.
April 9th Update: If any of the videos are broken please post in the comments.
April 8th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Unfortunately or fortunately video number 2 is unavailable… this is why iTunes exists right!
April 9th, 2008 at 12:47 am
You judge without listening. You fail.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:59 am
you havent heard of AKB48 yet then…..
April 9th, 2008 at 5:29 am
1. -Paul: Oh, I’ll fix the link when I get home. Thanks for the heads up.
2. Peter Payne: I do not. I don’t even know what exactly it is you’re complaining about, but if you explain I can fix it :)
3. AKB48, hmm? They’re next on my list! Any particular songs of note?
April 9th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I don’t even need to listen to the videos to know how right you are ;)
April 10th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
uh, think there most famous one is called また会いたい or some other crap…dont really know but was sat TRANSFIXED to the tv when i was watching it….like a car crash….but with 48 11 year old school girls….actually might have been better if it was a crash…
by the way im evil blood type O! you better watch out!!!!
April 10th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Lynsey: I knew it! I’ll never turn my back on you again… ;)
I’ll check out that track when I have the time / mental stability. :)
April 13th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Ai Ootsuka is a singer for children mostly. The squeaky voice is there for a reason. Plus, I think you intentionally put out her worst song. There are other singers/groups that you forgot to fry such as MORNING MESUME and AKB48.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Justin: Interesting. I’ll ignore Ai Ootsuka from now on. I think I may have to do a second version of this, as Morning Musume and AKB48 need their time in the sun.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
but Mike,
sakuranbo was THE FIRST EVER SONG WE HEARD IN KARAOKE IN JAPAN!
you’re not allowed to dislike it, it was like an initiation into japan.
I quite unashamedly listen to this when I’m at the gym, ok, maybe a little bit hazukashii.
I’m just glad I didn’t see perfume in that list, then I would’ve been forced to injure you.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Nate: Ah yes, I think I remember. Perfume are so going in the next list, though ;)
April 16th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
I’m a winner! Why? Because of the song An Cafe - Escapism and the five minutes we’re not getting back… I just fast forwarded through one of the worst songs in the world and saved myself 3 mintues (1 for watching, 1 for writing this). Booyow! On a side note, I like the first three, but the last two videos look and sound terrible.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Steve: I don’t know, I think the final video has the most bizarro retro class ;)
May 27th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Oh, you want some painful japanese pop music? Look up anything by Kana. I dont understand how she has fans. Ontop of that, she has reaaly scary teeth. o-o
May 27th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Badymaru: Thanks, will do, and it’s on my list for part 2 ;)