According to those lovely guys at Yahoo News, talk-along anime machines are on the way. These machines will appear in Karaoke parlors across the country and allow people to talk along with their favourite animated weirdo before having it played back to them. According to some nerdy spokesman;

“You are unbuttoned at karaoke places where you drink with friends,” he said. “The freer you are from your usual persona, the more fun you can have. You can also easily change your sex.
A quiet person can be a courageous hero while a straight-laced businessman can turn into a delicate young girl.”

That’s odd, I don’t remember being unbuttoned at a karaoke place. I don’t think that’s even legal. Anyway, the whole thing is going to kick off this weekend, and I’m sure it will have a great following and will probably be quite good fun, if you’re into that sort of thing. There’s really just one big problem.

It’s lame!

I mean, come on. They could have had anything and they went for talk-along anime! But worry not, intrepid reader, for I have created a handful of wonderful alternatives. Read on and be amazed!

1. Complain-Along Machine

Boy oh boy do I love complaining. So does everyone, and reguardless of how nice you are, when the doors are closed there’s nothing better than to have a good whine about the weather, or young people or something. So I’m planning to harness the mighty power of the whine to create the ultimate complaining paradise.

There is one big problem with what I have dubbed the “Angryoke Machine”. Almost as soon as it comes out, people will use it to complain about the machine itself. This will of course lead to a loop in the time-space continuum, and we’ll all be sucked into a black hole and the world will end. But to be honest, I think I’m OK with that. Imagine the advertising. “Come complain with Japan Is Doomed’s Angryoke Machines, or we’ll end your world! “. I’d go.

2. Beeroke

Admit it, this would be awesome. The majority of people who head to the Karaoke bars use it as a weak excuse to mask their near-dangerous alcohol consuption, myself included. I suggest we just cut out the middleman altogether and have Beeroke – the machine that tells you to drink beers, which you do, whilst drinking beers. Hurrah! Once this great idea takes off, I can follow up with Wineoke, Vodkaoke and, for the kids, Juiceoke. Dogoke and Catoke will launch late 2008, and by 2011 I plan to have a BeerOkeOke machine in every house, which tells you to tell yourself to drink beer, whilst drinking beers, and drinking a beer. Oops, I think I just ended the universe again…

I should probably release my own beer brand too. The sales would be astronomical!

3. Silent Movie Karaoke

This would be a simple change to the tried and tested Karaoke formula. Rather than sing the words, you write them down on card and hold them up. That way, everyone still gets to perform their favourite song, but if like me you’re a terrible singer, you don’t have to suffer the usual embarrassments of forgetting you sound like a frog being shot.

I feel this particular brand of Karaoke will prove popular with mimes. That’s right, I shall finally conquer the elusive mime market.

4. Ekoarak

So you think you’re a good singer, huh? Think you’ve mastered Karaoke? Well you should try my latest, craziest invention – Eroarak! It’s Karaoke backwards! But wait, not only do the songs play backwards, you must infact do everything backwards! You need to walk into the shop, backwards, thank the sales assistant for the wonderful time you had, she’ll then hand you some money, then you sing all your songs backwards, then you book the room, then finally leave.

I will allow two things to be done forward; drinking and using the bathrooms. Gross. Unfortunatly this latest scheme would lose me an awful lot of money as I’d end up paying people to come, and I’m just not that nice a guy. Sorry!

5. Elimination Karaoke

This is the same as regular Karaoke, except the songs available are all 15 hours long. Last one standing gets to choose the next song. Everyone else recieves medical treatment.

So there we go! Five perfectly good ways to enhance the Karaoke experience! Now I’ll just write these up and send them off to be processed, and await the inevitable excited phonecall and business class trip to Japan where I will be heralded as the sole creator of a new age of Karaoke. Wait, what’s this? Hello Officer. What? No, I never said I’d give beer to dogs and cats? Dogoke? Oh yeah, whoops.

Countdown To Japan : 77 Days! Woohoo!

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