According to Jamaipanese and Yahoo News, Tokyo is “Asia’s Capital” and the 4th most important city in the world. Apparently it was beaten by Paris in 3rd, New York in 2nd and a great win for my own country, with London coming in first place. Shame it’s a horrible city, really.

Anyway - I was thinking of ways Tokyo could change to win the title of “Best city in the world”. Hell, with a little work, it could even take “Best city in the universe”. Here’s my rundown of things Tokyo needs to take the title.

1. Marshmallow Rain
Whilst it doesn’t rain in Tokyo that much, when it does it really rains. We’re talking people having to swim to work and back. I think the only way to address this is to get a huge fan which gets turned on to blow all the rain away before it hits the city, then have planes fly overhead and drop marshmallows down on the unsuspecting but hungry public.

The drawbacks, I would imagine, would be getting marshmallows constantly stuck in your hair, cars chewing them up into their wheels and grinding to a halt, and people getting morbidly obese. But think of it this way - more people will shave their heads, leading to acceptance of those with bald heads already. Furthermore, less cars means less pollution! As for the weight issue, well I guess you could call it “packing for the winter”.

2. Futurama Transport Tubes
How awesome would that be. Imagine if you need to get from Shinjuku to Harajuku in 3 minutes. What do you do? Pay a measly 400 yen and hop in the tube. Whoosh. Thirty seconds later you are in the fashion capital waiting for your stupid friend who got the train.

3. Giant Fans
Anyone who’s been in Tokyo in the summer knows it gets unbearably hot and humid, like sitting in an oven. The only logical solution to this is to have giant fans everywhere. There are two ways to do this. Either they could have hundreds of little fans stuck to walls and so on, which would be nice but might make it a bit noisy. The other option would be to have one colossal fan, although that would mean if you jumped in the air near it you might land somewhere in China.

So there you go - three surefire ways to get Tokyo to #1 in the rankings. The city scored 74/100 (where London got 100) and thus has some way to go. But with enough money and little sense, my dream of a well ventilated city covered in marshmallows with tubes everywhere may become a reality. Vote Mike in ‘08.

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 5th, 2008 at 10:59 am and is filed under Culture. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.