I was approached by Mr. Wada the other day, and asked if I wouldn’t mind lending my voice to the English speaking test for the midterms, which are currently raging for all students throughout the school. As I have been told I have a voice which makes angels jealous (or nauseous, I can’t remmeber which) I quickly took him up on his offer and recorded what can only be described as the best sound ever to grace human ears. But wait! There’s more! I’ve got a copy of it, and I’ve posted it below along with a transcript. The other male voice is one of our students, Kento, who lived in America for a few years. The female voice is another English teacher.

Warning: It was recorded at a high volume. Turn your speakers down!

[audio:listeningtest.mp3]

Miyashita-Sensei: *A load of Japanese about me and Kento.*

Mike: Look at these photos.
Kento: Oh, they are nice photos. What’s this?
Mike: It’s my father’s school.
Kento: Wow! Is he from America?
Mike: No, he isn’t. He is from Japan. He was in America when he was a junior high school student, so he is an English teacher.
Kento: What’s this?
Mike: It’s my friend’s cat.
Kento: He’s so cute. Is this your friend?
Mike: Yes, she is. She is my good friend. I met her in America. She is from Japan. She is a musician.
Kento: What’s her name?
Mike: Her name is Utada Hikaru

This was meant to be the ‘harder version’, although apparently the students found the exercise pretty easy. I think they were just so shocked it was me on the tape that they actually listened harder than they normally do.

Anyway, that’s my sixty eight seconds of fame over. Back to normality, I guess…

Whilst the Thai students were visiting, we were given the opportunity to try the traditional Japanese art of Kimono dressing. There are men’s kimonos as well as the famous flowery pink and blue ones, and yes – we both opted for the men’s ones. Something tells me having both your foreign volunteer teachers crossdressing might cause the school some media problems. Not that I wanted to crossdress anyway. No really. Hey, stop looking at me like that.

Both male and female kimonos have approximately thirty thousand layers each, which means they take quite a long time to put on, and if you’ve never done it before it’s impossible. Which is why it’s lucky I had two lovely ladies to help me. They did it at a shocking speed which rivals me getting up in the morning and chucking on a shirt and tie. If they had done it any quicker I’d just dump my whole suit in the bin and wear a kimono every day. As long as I lived in a perfectly flat place. Ah, gradual slopes, the mightiest of Japan’s enemies.

It took about twenty minutes for us to get kitted out fully, which includes carrying a little fan and wearing these wooden flip-flops that fall off every two steps. But simply getting dressed in them was not enough! We had to walk outside to take photos, which was a poor excuse for “possibly bump into students whilst wearing hilareous costume that doesn’t fit”. The joke was eventually on them, as the only people who saw us were the office staff, and nobody believes them anyway. Working near fax machines sends you crazy!

Having been sufficiently embarrased, and filled with a new hatred for stairs and wooden slippers, it was time for us to remove our kit and let the Thai students have a go. I have to admit, it was kind of fun wandering around dressed like that, although I’d be interested to see anyone run for a bus in one of these. Sadly we had to go, so we didn’t get to see the results of the dressing, but I was send this photo, which suggests everyone had a great time. Hurrah!

This happened a long time ago. I’m sorry I never managed to write about it, but I was only given the CD with the photographs on recently. Along with the Thai students, we were given the opportunity to try Japanese tea ceremony. However, before I start on that, I feel I should explain the worst pain in the world, ever;

During a formal event where you sit on the floor, Japanese tradition dictates you should sit in Seiza. To do this, “one first kneels on the floor, and then rests the buttocks on the heels, with the tops of the feet flat on the floor. The hands are sometimes folded modestly in the lap and sometimes placed palm down on the upper thighs with the fingers close together.” (Thanks Wikipedia)

What this little explanation does not explain is that unless you’ve been doing it for a few years, it’s incredibly painful. Especially if you have quite muscular legs and thin ankles, like me. In Thailand too they don’t sit in Seiza, so as a result everyone looked to be in varying degrees of pain. Here I am desperately trying to rearrange my legs into a less painful position. I actually have to sit like this during Shorinji Kempo so it wasn’t so bad for me, but I still tried to sneak in an easier sitting position.

Subtle like a bulldozer!

The actual ceremony itself involves everyone eating this really sweet, sugary kind of blob called Mochi, and drinking the green tea that was handed around having been brewed in a traditional manner. The reason for this is the tea itself is so bitter it could bring about the end of the world if left unchecked, which is where the sugary Mochi comes in. I don’t know, something tells me if people in England were told they have to spend 40 minutes to make a cup of tea, builders would take four times as long to get anything done.

I had a go at the actual ceremony itself, and although from afar it looks like you just pick up the big spoon thing and fill the bowl thing, there is a million different rules that I broke all at the same time. Notice the excellent Seiza in the above photograph. You couldn’t fit a piece of paper in between my legs there. Beautiful.

So, that was the tea ceremony taken care of. The Thai Students told me they all had a great time, which was nice, and I have to admit I too enjoyed the day, even just to try to understand Japanese history and culture a little more, although I think it only served to confuse me, and damage my ankles.

Asakusa is considered by many to be Tokyo’s cultural and historical centre. I would agree with them if it wasn’t so hard to get to, but I think the reason it has this title is because of it’s many temples, shrines and traditional things going on. Last Sunday there was an annual festival there, and I thought I’d pop along in the evening to watch the climax of the festivities.

What I actually got to see was the back of a lot of people’s heads. The streets in Asakusa are quite thin, and there were literally millions of people there. It also got dark incredibly quickly, which made it very hard to take any photos.

It quickly became clear that I was not going to be taking any nice photos this evening. Partially because of the surprising lack of light, partly because I feared for my life.

Asakusa is a fantastic place, and considering it’s in the middle of Tokyo, it’s skyline is relatively unspoiled by skyscrapers. I have this coming Monday and Tuesday off from work, so who knows, I may just be able to sneak back there when it’s quieter and take some better photos.

The festival itself consisted of a load of people carrying a big wooden stand which was in turn carrying a box through the streets, whilst the police tried to hold back the mobs of fanatic supporters. I should point out now that when it comes to Japanese tradition, elderly people here turn into monsters. Old women were literally shoving me out of the way to get a better view, and I am in no way ashamed to say that they were a lot stronger than me. Fueled by their insatiable national pride, they were like miniature, well dressed bulldozers. Truly scary. Now I’ve seen them in action, it’s a miracle I survived our visit to the Emperor.

Anyway, I’m sorry about the length of this update, but it’s a miracle I survived the festival in the first place, so in a way you’re lucky you’re reading anything at all. You owe me for my survival, in fact. You can pay back this debt by sending money to me.

I wrote a short article for Something Awful’s “The Great American Reach-Around” project. You can read it here.

In other news, I have now got the CD with all the pictures that I should have written about ages ago on them. I also have the next four days off from school. In other words, I have no excuses not to update this thing fully. So tune in tomorrow to hear another crazy excuse, I guess…